EXIT ZERO

2004-04-09T14:00:00.000-05:00

http://www.snapfish.com/slideshow/AlbumID=18177196/PictureID=394644328/t_=18266838"

OFFICIALLY RETIRED.

...and enjoying sunny Austin.

But catch me in my new capacity here.

Currently reading: Fierce Pajamas

Currently listening to: Steve Earle

Currently hating: Changes.

2003-12-24T10:51:00.000-06:00

Pack it up and just disappear

It's time to say good-bye to Exit Zero. I've had to say good-bye lately to lots of things I've loved for so long, and start over for real. Finally.

2003-12-21T17:22:00.000-06:00

Run, Don't Walk Your Monkey Ass

To your neighborhood movie theater to see BUBBA HO-TEP.

Formulaic? Indeed, but no formula that ever existed in my head:

POP CULTURE CONSPIRACY THEORY SUBJECT (x 2) + REDNECK MUMMY = THRILLING ACTION AND ADVENTURE!

2003-12-20T22:35:00.000-06:00

OW!

Okay, friends, bloggers, etc., from what I can tell, everyone who signed up for the T-Shirt Exchange has completed their mission, with the exception of a few stragglers (i.e. ME), and so when I know that everyone who signed up has recieved a SURPRISE! from their postperson I will be sending out your THANK YOU GIFTS as a little post-holiday surprise.

THANK YOU EVERYONE for participating and let's see those pictures!

2003-12-20T18:25:00.000-06:00

Child Abuse: Not a laughing matter

Except, however, in this case:

I was such a "fucking little bastard" © Arab Strap. I remember this one time when I was about 7 or 8, (maybe younger, cause it was when AIDS first hit) we were standing in line @ a department store & I saw something I wanted and when my mum refused to buy it I threw myself onto the floor and started screaming "I HAVE AIDS AND I'LL GIVE IT TO EVERYONE HERE!". Instead of giving my tantrum a reaction my mum finished her purchase and escorted me out to the car...where she immediately beat my ass like it was 1999. Too bad there weren't cameras in the parking lots back then...

WANT MORE? Check him out. The friend I have so I can tell others "One of my best friends is a ghey."

LADIES. GENTS. I present: TOBES

Currently reading: HEFNERSTOBES, fool.

Currently listening to: Flaming Groovies

Currently hating: Nothing. Everything and everyone is gorgeous.

2003-12-18T18:43:00.000-06:00

ATTENTION

If you are part of the T-Shirt Exchange, please send me your physical addresses again, seeing as how when my hotmail addy went down, I lost all of your information. And you all want to get your thank you cards from me, now DON'T YOU???

Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause you!!! But, if you can spend half the night on AIM you can take 45 seconds to email me your information.

E-MAIL ME!!!

2003-12-18T18:21:00.000-06:00

Strange Things Afoot

So, yesterday, I'm laying in my bed, hungover from some unforgiving 8.5% alcohol BEER from the night before, wishing I had read the label before downing 4 of the bastards right in a row (which led to me singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" at a bar down the road shortly thereafter, but that's a story for another time, kids). So I'm laying there, all alone in Austin, not moving because even a blink was hurting my cranium, and I think to my self "Self, you should go to Atlanta."

So I did.

And I'm in Atlanta as I type. Just a phone call, a plane, and a seriously nervewracking ride on the train later, I made my way to his office. And the look of shock on The Boyfriend's™ face was seriously indescribable and priceless. I'm happy I'm here. I don't know why I did it. But I did.

So, I get to see my boyfriend, and coincidentally, MY BEST DAMN FRIEND HOTDAMN DOYLE, whom I haven't seen in like 7 months.

WHOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I have a feeling I'm going to hear "party like it's 1999" at least once this weekend. I'll keep you updated.

Currently reading: nothing

Currently listening to: nothing

Currently hating: having to go back to Austin

2003-12-15T11:25:00.000-06:00

Damn You Blogger

Had a post, and lost it. Here we go again.

I have some conflicting feelings about the capture of Saddam Hussein. On the one hand, I'm glad he's been caught and can be tried for his crimes. On the other hand, I'm really very curious about the convenient timing of the capture. You can thank Howard Dean for that. That's as political as I'll get on this blog. Check out Cheeks for the real hard-hitting political stuff.

Aaaaaaaanyway, I'm still doing the Job Hunt '03. If you know anyone in Austin, hiring or just looking to give out money, E-MAIL ME.

Kind regards...
Currently reading: The Yarn Girls Giude to Knitting I am dedicated to knitting at least one scarf. I taught myself how to cast on last night. Exciting.

Currently listening to: back on Kathleen Edwards Failer

Currently hating: timing

2003-12-12T14:42:00.000-06:00

You Know What, FOOL?

You can talk to me when YOUR BLOG is #66 on Yahoo Search for "I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all".

Yeah, you heard me.

2003-12-12T14:08:00.000-06:00

Left Leaning Libertarian

At least, that's what the POLITICAL COMPASS tells me.

Economic Left/Right: -7.12
Libertarian/Authoritarian: -7.08

And, oh yeah, my e-mail addy is working again. Please don't hesitate to write or stalk.

2003-12-12T13:33:00.000-06:00

It's still on...like Donkey Kong

Yes, you know the drill. Buy a t-shirt. Mail it to your Secret Pal. You now have 19 days left.

You may be wondering what the hell has happened to me and my posts, comparing it to your sex life (whether that 5 minutes a month is true or not we'll never know). I've been down, friends. Down, but not necessarily out.

First, I had some Science Fiction strain of the flu and was down for about 6 days, and here it is a week later and I've still got cough and congestion. I don't care what the papers say, this shit is from outer space. I seriously thought an alien baby was going to pop out of my stomach with a hat and cane singing "Hello My Baby, Hello My Darlin' ". It was, to say the least, a near death experience.

So then, I got a job. A grassroots organizing job with Texas Campaign for the Environment. A cool outfit, indeed, with savin' on their minds, but when I say grassroots, I mean white chicks with dreadlocks and hemp jewelry all around. So what I did was go out into the community, knock on doors, and ask for money and support. As a responsible and proud adult, that lasted about 2 days. Then, it was time for me to stop taking motivational bullet points from a towheaded 18-year-old hippie chick. And if I had to hear about The Man™ from suburban white kids or sing along with any more impromtu call and response songs aboutThe Man™, I was going to get stabby. So now, I'm back on the street again, pounding the pavement, hoping to get a job with the Austin Children's Museum and do something I'm actually good at that doesn't require any talk about The Man™.

And so now, I'm chillin' around the hood, watching cable and drinking margaritas. What a life. Of course, I'm poor, but I suppose that will work itself out in time. I can't WAIT to send my Secret Pal stuff out. I'M SO EXCITED. I hope you are, too.

I should be hooked up with a new desktop by the end of the month, which means my triumphant return to blog whoredom. Thanks for hangin' and bangin' and believing in me. It's YOU, the little people, that make this irregular blog what it is. Kisses.

Oh yeah, my friend Steve Dollar WROTE A BOOK. AN ENTIRE BOOK. About Jazz. It's called Jazz Guide: New York City. GO BUY IT. He knows more about jazz than you.

Currently reading: How To Write A Grant Proposal by Quick & New. Seriously. Those are their names

Currently listening to: The Essential Patsy Cline

Currently hating: being a jobless fuck-up

2003-11-24T11:37:00.000-06:00

5 MINUTES TO WRITE!

I have 5 minutes before I have to head out to do some stuff, so I thought I'd at LEAST say hello and let you know I hope you all are doing well. Austin is as great as I thought it would be and the view from my stairwell is breathtaking. I love my new place and hope to God that I will find a job this week that I will love just as much.

Miss. You. All. Kiss, kiss. Hug, hug. And all that garbage.

Currently reading: Books on Texas History

Currently listening to: GBV B-sides compilation from my friend Mitch

Currently hating: VERY RUDE NEW NEIGHBORS

2003-11-14T15:04:00.000-06:00

SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY

I'm not gone, I'm just taking a tiny little break from my virtual life to get my real life intact. I have been all over the country in the past month with literally NO TIME to get to a computer and catch you all up properly. I move to Austin next weekend and THEN I will be back like the plague. You think you're ready? You aren't.

LOVE YOU ALL! MISS YOU!!! Don't forget the ATLSuperstar!!!

CHEEKS! Stop the slow hand clapping already. I get it. I get it.

Currently reading: Austin Statesman Job Classifieds

Currently listening to: Variety of mix cd's courtesy of Hotdamn Doyle

Currently hating: Job searching

2003-10-21T22:45:00.000-05:00

I'm in the mood

For lists. Here is a list of songs that I harbor mad-crazy-rabid hate for. They are in no particular order, as I find them all equally offensive. Except, when on the occassion that I am forced to hear them because a.) I am in a car with someone who LOVES it, or b.) at a wedding, or c.) at karaoke, in which case I claim to "hate this song more than anything in the world".

1. Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band *Note: This may truly and actually be the song I hate more than anything in the world. I really, really, really, really LOATHE this song and want to strangle not only Bob Seger, but anyone that happens to be within arm's length at the unfortunate time of play.

2. Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money. One reason: "I feel a hunger. It's a hunger." Discussed earlier this evening as possibly the worst rock lyric ever. Edging out "I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all."

3. Unchained Melody - Righteous Brothers. I'll give you 5 billion dollars if you can find out HOW THE HELL they got that title out of that musical stain.

4. Everything I Do I Do It For You - Bryan Adams. Everything I Do, I Do It To Kill The Rampant Memory of This Piss Poor Movie Theme.

5. Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffett. If I see a Parrothead, I will be forced to stab.

6. Oh Sherry - Steve Perry. You know that old saying "I can do bad by myself"? Prime example.

7. Proud to be an American - Lee Greenwood. This is almost the worst song ever written and for some reason people are not embarrassed to play it and sing it as loud and proud as possible. Hearing it makes me want to not just take the land back, but burn it down.

8. With Arms Wide Open - Creed. Why does Scott Stapp think he's Jesus?

9. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely - Backstreet Boys. A sampling of the lyrics should prove my case:

Show me the meaning of being lonely
So many words for the broken heart
It's hard to see in a crimson love
So hard to breathe
Walk with me, and maybe
Nights of light so soon become
Wild and free I could feel the sun
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Show me the meaning of being lonely
Is this the feeling I need to walk with
Tell me why I can't be there where you are
There's something missing in my heart

Life goes on as it never ends
Eyes of stone observe the trends
They never say forever gaze upon me
Guilty roads to an endless love (endless love)
There's no control
Are you with me now?
Your every wish will be done
They tell me

Do these make sense to ANYONE? It sounds like they put a bunch of words into a random lyric generator and then put them to a casio keyboard, with a bunch of drum machine pyrotechnics and vocal gymnastics. I want to cut their tongues out.

This list is making me violent. Join me tomorrow when I list Actresses I Hate, But For Some Reason Everyone Else Loves.

Currently reading: Don't Know Much About The Civil War
Currently listening to: Rufus and Chaka Khan
Currently hating: bad music

2003-10-12T21:06:00.000-05:00

All hail the mighty state

This week, I'll be in the great state of Texas, the wonderful city of Houston, judging bar-b-que and drinking beer with my family and The Man I Plan To Marry™. See y'all in a week!

Currently reading: 100 Years of Solitude Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Currently listening to: World Without Tears Lucinda Williams

Currently hating: breast cancer

2003-10-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

To Paraphrase Shanti, the funniest teenqueen I know

OU!

OU 64
UT 13

Yeah, bitches.

2003-10-11T17:40:00.000-05:00

That's all I need, too!

Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this! I don't need this stuff, and I don't need you.

I don't need anything except this and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray.

And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need.

And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too.

I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.

2003-10-08T08:38:00.000-05:00

All this and lamps, too

If you don't know by now how crafty I am, check out this lampshade I made last night. Anyone who wants a lamp expressly made for you can send me $10 U.S.D. [money order or traveller's checks only...or gambling chips] and I will get around to it whenever I feel like it.

2003-10-07T00:25:00.000-05:00

Baby, baby do it to me, rock me

This has been bugging me for a little while [about 15 years] and I've really just got to put it out there. Not to speak ill of the dead and all, but Austrian pop sensation Falco was just really full of himself, no?

People's Exhibit A:

1756, Salzburg, January 27, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is born
1761, at the age of five Amadeus begins composing
1773, he writes his first piano concerto
1782, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart marries Constance Weber
1784, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart becomes a free mason
1791, Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies
1985, Austrian rock singer Falco records
Rock Me Amadeus!

It's a nice, short chronology of the life of probably the world's greatest musical genius. It's pretty accurate. Truncated, but accurate. The song is awful, but, to be fair, dated and reflective of a time when Falco may have been considered on the forefront or verge of some fleeting musical era. Although, it's not the existence of the song itself that bothers me so much. It's what's missing from it.

People's Exhibit B:

1791, Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies
1985, Austrian rock singer Falco records
Rock Me Amadeus!

Notice, that between the years 1791 and 1985, according to Falco, NOTHING GREAT OR IMPORTANT HAPPENS IN MUSIC. It's as if music as the world knew it died with Mozart. December 5th, 1791, all music stops. There was a gaping hole in music for almost 200 hundred years and finally FINALLY! Falco came to our rescue.

THANK GOD that in 1985 AUSTRIAN ROCK SINGER FALCO RECORDED ROCK ME AMADEUS! Where would we be without ROCK ME AMADEUS? What would have happened had Falco not recorded that little slice of cake?

Might we have been listening to The Magic Flute or The Marriage of Figaro or the unfinished Requiem for the nth time wondering why and god how?!?! all music just dropped away, flailing through sound and space half-written or not at all?

I'm not sure what kind of people Falco surrounded himself with. Probably asskissers and yes-men who lived to stroke and satiate his egotistical appetite, but I am sure that in my life I have never heard anybody, much less everybody say "Rock me Amadeus" that was not in reference to the ridiculous and outright stupid Falco pop-masturbation-piece. **

As I said, not to speak ill of the dead, but I just had to put that out there. Thanks for your attention.

**If while you were reading this paragraph you quietly whispered or mouthed the words "Rock me Amadeus", then Falco's work here was not in vain. Yeah, thanks for perpetuating the madness.

2003-10-03T20:40:00.000-05:00

Goodbye, Nicky Hale.

You are already missed.

You have done nothing but make me laugh since we were in middle school. You were the reason I never skipped that class after lunch.

I wish I would have hugged you longer the last time I saw you. I wish I would have gone to hang out with you all that night. I wish I would have told you how fucking great you really were. I haven't seen you in a year, but I wish I didn't have to miss you now so permanently. I wish someone could have saved you from yourself.

This is the first time you have made me cry, but you will always, always make me laugh.

Rest peacefully, and continue to joke about us all.

Nicky Hale 1976-2003

2003-09-30T15:48:00.000-05:00

Anagram Managar

Close enough.

THIS is for you, Hotdamn.

2003-09-29T16:52:00.000-05:00

I hardly believe it myself...

Hey, I'm not all bad jokes and suppressed anger. I had the smarts real good once. See for yourself when you read my paper on IDEOLOGICAL FUNCTION. Go on. Get yerself some smarts.

2003-09-28T10:37:00.000-05:00

Calling you out

I need one more blogger, just ONE, to make the t-shirt trade successful. Any takers?

2003-09-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

Tragedy Strikes Tub

OKLAHOMA - (AP) This was the shocking scene early this morning when regular shower-goers made a gruesome discovery. Tragedy struck the S.S. Fisher-Price, a plastic passenger ship carrying what could be up to 12 Barbie dolls, leaving massive latex carnage in its wake. Among the dead are: Millenium Princess Barbie, Sohpisticated Wedding Barbie, Halloween Barbie, Barbie Princess, Malibu Barbie, Ballerina Barbie, Sparkle Eyes Barbie, Cinderella Barbie, and several unidentified My Scene Dolls. The Barbie Dream Estate had no comment at press time.

2003-09-27T22:48:00.000-05:00

Gettin' Lazy in my Upper Years

Parts of this chat not effecting the outcome have been edited for time.

NewYorkPlastic: and i'm nude now so i don't think you'd wanna see..
NewYorkPlastic: AGH!
workerbee818: ugh.
NewYorkPlastic: dammit
workerbee818: skinny newd.
NewYorkPlastic: hahaha
NewYorkPlastic: SkiNNyNudiKins
workerbee818: HAHAHAHAHAH
workerbee818: gross.
workerbee818: yer making me dry ~~hump~~ heave
NewYorkPlastic: hahaha
NewYorkPlastic: < s>test< /s>
NewYorkPlastic: dammit
workerbee818:
NewYorkPlastic: how'd you do that witch?
workerbee818: < strike >
workerbee818: HAHA
NewYorkPlastic: < strike >mylife< strike >
NewYorkPlastic: dammit
NewYorkPlastic: < strike> my life < strike>
NewYorkPlastic: fuk it
workerbee818: it's /strike
workerbee818: my life
NewYorkPlastic: /strikecrap
NewYorkPlastic: LMAO
workerbee818: oh.
workerbee818: tobes
NewYorkPlastic: i'm laughing to keep from cutting myself for punishment
workerbee818: it's like this crap
workerbee818: i put the spaces in because if i don't i can't show you
workerbee818: ~~crap~~
workerbee818: now if the html lesson is over
workerbee818: you can continue secret cutting
NewYorkPlastic: hahaha
workerbee818: hahaha
NewYorkPlastic:
NewYorkPlastic: < strike>cunt
workerbee818: the hell
workerbee818: why isn't yours working
NewYorkPlastic: FUSHICKENS!
NewYorkPlastic: cause i'm black
workerbee818: it really is The Man™ keeping you down
workerbee818: boy

2003-09-27T09:50:00.000-05:00

5th is the 4th loser

I'm #5 on Google when you search for FIT THROWING HELL RIDE! I rock your face off.

2003-09-26T21:56:00.000-05:00

Lo res is better than no res

I bought a seriously lo-res web cam today at Wal-Mart for $18. Here is a picture of me from a minute ago [sorry about the scary eyebrows, I haven't plucked in about a month]:

And here is a picture of me and my little cousin Dayla:

Again, sorry about the brows.

I hope you are all doing well this evening. I'm sorry I have nothing interesting or funny to post.

Regards...

2003-09-26T10:28:00.000-05:00

R.I.P. Robert Palmer

I loved you once.

2003-09-26T00:43:00.000-05:00

More BlogWorthy AIM Chat

I know, I know, it's almost as lazy as Boz re-posting his "Favorite Posts" for days on end, but this is really funny. HD always gives good chat:

workerbee818: i watched that fred durst thing on mtv
hotdamndoyle: NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
workerbee818: and besides the fact that he's lame enough for just being fred durst he was all wet-eyed over that britney spears debaucle
workerbee818: he was like "I wish she would just tell the truth, because i really, really like that girl"
workerbee818: then he was like looking at a picture of her going "she's so beautiful, she's just so beautiful man"
hotdamndoyle: someone should really, just pummel him till he bursts into flames
workerbee818: i wasl ike YOU FUCKING PANSY ASS
hotdamndoyle: man, i thought i was a bitch's tool
hotdamndoyle: jesus
workerbee818: i mean they spent like 10 minutes on that shit
workerbee818: it was so queer
hotdamndoyle: he sure is one big ole puss
workerbee818: i mean really it's on right now
workerbee818: he's such a lame ass
hotdamndoyle: i'm just watin for him to start referin to himself in the third person
hotdamndoyle: "Fred thinks that Fred is tight."
workerbee818: if i ever see him i'm going to give him a good limp wristed slap in the face with a pair of leather gloves
workerbee818: HAHAHAHAHAHA
hotdamndoyle: i wish i could throw him into the sun
workerbee818: "fred durst does not feel that fred durst should have to answer any questions, per se, about or pertaining to fred durst, and fred durst's current business or personal situations, quid pro quo, e pluribus unum"
workerbee818: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
workerbee818: i wish you could too
hotdamndoyle: "Fred Durst says, 'Please love me. Please like me. I hurt, yo.'"
workerbee818: HAHAHA

2003-09-26T00:28:00.000-05:00

You Can't Afford me

But, if you could, you'd pay with this:

2003-09-24T20:25:00.000-05:00

I've got throat demons

I'm sick, and in pain. Whatever it is my throat is burning like I've got some sort of esophageal herpes. Not that there is such a thing, but if there was, then I'm pretty sure it would feel like this.

I just wanted to remind everybody to stay away from downed power lines.

2003-09-23T17:10:00.000-05:00

It's come to this

Only one thing could make me think I am hilarious for writing this jewel:

chezpink: oh workerbee
chezpink: how art thou
workerbee818: how great thou art
chezpink: yes, LORD
chezpink: yes

Well, maybe a mixture of two things: Percocet and Budweiser.

Thank you, folks. Thank you all.

2003-09-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

Goals are Good

At least, that's what my Life Management class in middle school taught me. That, and how to cook a chicken.

Anyhow, my goal for the rest of 2003 is to be #1 on Google when someone searches for

FIT THROWING HELL RIDE

I'd like to thank you all in advance for helping me reach this goal.

Kindest regards...

2003-09-22T21:01:00.000-05:00

FAQs

The T-Shirt Trade is ON!!!

I've received all the entries, and have made my randomly drawn choices as to who will be secret pal-ing whom. The Pals were drawn completely at random and you will be getting your Pal's info shortly. However, I'd like to take this time to answer some frequently asked questions pertaining to The Trade©.

Is it ok if the shirt I send doesn't reflect where I live, but is still cool?

In the 1930s, when I decided to take on the challenge of building a successful T-Shirt Trade from the ground up, my original idea was to offer bloggers and readers the chance to receive endless fun in the form of a free gift! A cotton, screen-printed t-shirt from a Secret Pal that would reflect an area of the world the blogger had most likely never been. In retrospect, I suppose I saw it as a way of making our ever shrinking virtual world even smaller, almost miniscule, by introducing a tactile element to our separate existences. And, also, in doing so, creating a visual conversation starter amongst our real-life human friends. However, I do not want to stunt or stifle your options, so buy whatever you think is cool!

Who else is participating? Or will that ruin the mystery?

I thought about this for a little while, thinking I may post the names of the participants, but I think it will be more fun if we don't know how many participants we have or who they are. So, it could be anyone from anywhere and you have no clue as to whom. FUN!!!

Will you get something fun out of this, too??

Sadly, I could not join in because there would be no Secret in my Secret Pal. I will, however, get the satisfaction of adding even more FUN!!! and excitement to our little blogging community, and hopefully, maybe setting a precendent for years to come.

So, Bloggers, be on the lookout for an e-mail from me and then GET TO SEARCHING FOR THE PERFECT T-SHIRT!!!! Remember, you have until December 31 to find and mail that perfect t-shirt for your Secret Pal. It is also perfectly acceptable to send a note, card, postcard, or any other tchotchkes you think would be suitable for your Pal. They key here is not to spend a bunch of money, however, but to send something with a little thought behind it.

Thanks to everyone for participatingand making the First Annual Tentatively Titled X-mas Tanenbaum T-shirt Trade and Exchange successful.

Cheers,

ATL

2003-09-19T00:28:00.000-05:00

ATTENTION!!!

FRIENDS, BLOGGERS, READERS, LURKERS...
FROM THIS MOMENT YOU HAVE EXACTLY 48 HOURS TO SEND YOUR ENTRY FOR THE FIRST ANNUAL T-SHIRT TRADE TO ME, ATLSUPERSTAR!!!!

I have only 4 entries. So where are all you regular readers and bloggers? What has happened to our community? Please, enter, and get gifts!!! In fact, everyone who enters will get a sweet little package from me, your ATLSuperstar, working hard for your community.

SEND ME your

NAME
STREET ADDRESS
CITY / STATE/ ZIP

T-SHIRT SIZE

Please. If you are a man I will send you boob shots. If you are a woman I will send you something more substantial.

ENTER TODAY!!!

2003-09-17T11:34:00.000-05:00

Crush the First

When I was in middle school, I had a series of crushes. Like most making the transition from adolescence to teenhood, it was a new one every single week. Most of them were not reciprocated. I don't blame them. I was an incredible dork in middle school and would not have dated me either. But I treated each crush like it was the love of my life. Oh, the drah-ma.

Then, over the summer between 8th and 9th grade, the transition into high school, I finally began to look human. I got a perm and bobbed my hair (hey, it was the late 80s), wore shirts with the collars up, and finally learned how to apply makeup, instead of just slapping it on my face and looking like an over-cheesed Dorito.

So, anyway, a few weeks into the first high school semester, a new kid came to town. And he was HOT STUFF. Seriously. It was the 80s folks. Anyway, this guy was like fucking Jesus and it was the old stand-by cliche "Every guy wanted to be his pal and every girl wanted to be his gal." But he was too cool for the guys at my school. He was far too sophisticated for the cheerleaders and socialites. He was tall, dark haired with the most stunning ocean blue eyes. His eyes were accentuated by these baby blue rimmed glasses and the way he always wore blue plaid collared shirts. He was so seriously my C-O-O-L-R-I-D-E-R. His name was Keile Alexander.

Anyway, my biggest rival, and she really wasn't MY rival, although I may have been hers, was my neighbor, a chunky, dishwater blonde who always thought she was better than me. Even though she would always say "supposably" and "For your inFRO." One day on the bus I was like "Yeah, for your inFRO, it's INFO, bitch" and that pretty much sealed our fate as mortal enemies. Her name was KERI SUE. KERI SUE! How motherfucking Texan. Keri Sue was so set on being "deep" and "different" that one day she got on the bus with a brown belt wrapped and buckled around her head. My sister and I so seriously pointed and laughed. I had to give it to her, though. She wore that lame ass Seventeen Magazine idea around her head all day long.

Anyway, she tried very aggressively to hook up with the heavenly Keile Alexander. Walking him to class, following him around, etc. But, it didn't work. She was too shallow and small-town for him. Long story short, I took the subtle route and won. I won I won I won. Keile Alexander was mine, all mine and I made sure everyone, especially Keri Sue, knew. Not only had I won the attention of the Cool Rider, we began to really care about each other. Loved each other, even, in that sweet, virginal, fourteen year old way. However, my glorious victory was short-lived.

One morning, Keile didn't come to school. He was prone to skipping a few classes every now and then and I assumed he'd at least come in for lunch to see me, like he had before. When he didn't show up at lunch, I got a little worried, because the night before we had talked and everything seemed normal. We even said "See you tomorrow." He never came back.

His family had severe domestic problems. I'm pretty sure his dad abused them. An acquaintance who was a neighbor of his gave me the news. In the middle of the night, his mom had packed them up and escaped from the abusive father. They ran away, where nobody, not even their father, and let alone the love-sick girlfriend, could find them. I never saw or heard from him again.

Where'd you go, Keile Alexander? Where have you been for the past 14 years?

I never got to tell you good-bye.

2003-09-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

Will the Real QHagewood Please Stand Up?

Someone with the name QHagewood keeps AIMing me and then when I respond, the AutoResponse comes up. Who is it? Who are you? Dunno. If it's you, let me know, we'll chat. I'm a good chatter. I'm chatting up Bozley as I type this.

2003-09-16T00:54:00.000-05:00

I fear a set-up

2003-09-15T00:51:00.000-05:00

David Blaine is the Devil

That is all. I am sure of it.

2003-09-14T23:36:00.000-05:00

When nothing else is one...

I just finished watching Out of Sight, which, despite J-lo, is a great movie. Steven Soderbergh can do no wrong. Any man who thinks he can put Confederacy of Dunces on film is fine by me. And George Clooney ain't nothin' to thumb yer nose at, either. He will be mine.

Besides, my friend Paul Soileau is in the movie. You know at the beginning, when Luis Guzman and George Clooney are in the yard at the prison? My friend Paul, whom I met when I was at Loyola, plays Lulu, the Guzman's bitch. I haven't seen him in anything since, though, and I haven't seen him since right after he came back to New Orleans after filming that movie. I gave him back the furniture he let me borrow for the summer. It was so trashy and ghey. It was green faux velvet with those wooden arm rests. Hideous.

Anyway, that's my 2 degrees of separation from George Clooney and wasn't that just the most interesting story? Yeah, I thought so.

2003-09-14T01:46:00.000-05:00

Member of the Wedding

The Boyf™ I keep making reference to is actually The Official Ex-Boyfriend of the 2003 Blogging Season™ I made reference to for a time. We have been working it out for about 2-3 months now. It's fucking great and amazing and that's all I'm going to say about that. Except that I love him more than applesauce.

Although, I do fear my future will be one in which Cheeks and I deny the truth about our OBVIOUS compatibility, brush it off as coincidence, and move on to love and marry other people. I'm not sure I can live with such a mistake. But, I suppose I must. I can't talk about this anymore.

As you all probably already know, HD and I are pretty big buddies. Everyone knows we most likely share a brain. But, we decided earlier that if we were to somehow physically meld ourselves into one person, meld ourselves into one mind, we'd be fucking unstoppable. We came to this conclusion when we figured out that I can drive golf balls like a fucking champ, and he can stunt with his irons like the fucking golf equivalent of Bruce Lee, and we both can putt like nobody's business. Un-fucking-stoppable. Hot Grease Accident lives for-fucking-ever and rules your mama.

So, I had to get out of my Grandma's house tonight and do something for myself, so I went into Tulsa to see Lucinda Williams. And wouldn't you know it, the lady at the ticket counter let me in free because someone had left a ticket with her that they could not use. That totally ROCKED CHOPSTICKS (thanks to Cheeks for the Phrase of the Month). So I got in free and while watching her rock my lame, semi-buzzed up ass, I decided that if I were my perfect person I would be:

1/4 Lucinda Williams
1/4 Elvis (preferably Presley, but I'd take Costello if that's how the stars lined up)
1/4 Mark Twain
1/4 Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I'd be smart, witty, kick 98 types of major ass, and rock the argyle socks off the entire fucking world. I swear. I'd drive a fucking Lincoln Continental, drink bourbon and never get drunk, and carry Vegas in a briefcase.

You'd all want to marry me, then, wouldn't you?

2003-09-13T10:38:00.000-05:00

Good morning, America!

Geez, I was whiny last night. I mean, I'm still mad this morning, but a lot less whiny. Sorry to put you through that.

Anyway, can I tell you that I just made the most ass-kicking drop biscuits in the world? Then I slathered them in butter and jelly and ate 'em with a hot cup of strong coffee. I am ready to start my day!!!!

Plus, I'm going to hit some yard sales and today I should be getting some mail from The Boyf™. Exciting! I hear, though, there are pictures in there of me. You know, just a "series" of "art" "photos" I did for The Boyf™. I'm sort of afraid to see them, but sort of excited. How dirty could they be? The bra didn't even come off.

Have a great day, all!!!!

2003-09-12T22:14:00.000-05:00

Why didn't anyone tell me?

Oh, because I was nowhere to be found. But HOLY CRAP, IA IS BACK!!!

The highest point in my week so far.

Thanks, IA.

2003-09-12T20:21:00.000-05:00

What's with people?

I can't believe that Bozzie is the only one who's e-mailed me with their information for the T-Shirt Trade. Don't you guys like gifts? Maybe I'll just hit the jackpot and collect the gifts for myself. And then won't you be jealous? E-MAIL ME, fools. Get yo' gift on.

Anyhow, I've got bad news on the cancer front. My Grandma may be getting worse. She broke her femur last December, making her leg and hip bones susceptible to infection, and now, possibly, the breast cancer. So besides the fact that she's severely overweight because of her diabetes, and she has breast cancer, she's now possibly got cancer in her bones and is having an even more difficult and painful time even getting out of or into her bed. She is in a wheelchair all the time. She is not doing well, and I fear I've taken on too much by being her caretaker. This sounds so selfish, but today is my uncle's 30th birthday. I had planned to hang out with him a few hours tonight, but can't go because she said she didn't want to be alone. She let out an extra-loud wail to prove to me that she can't make it alone and that she was afraid I was going to leave her.

Now, it sounds terrible of me to say all this - and as I'm typing she just asked me from the other room "You wouldn't sneak out and leave me, would you?" - but after my mother left this morning to drive home, Grandma changed from the agreeable person she had been, to this demanding, screaming person, getting out of bed to CLEAN because she "just can't live like this". There were 2 pots on the stove. That was it. Everything else was clean.

I understand she has conflicting feelings about what she's going through. We all do. We don't know what's going to happen to her, if she's going to live or die. We just don't know. I want so hard to carry on and act normal, which is part of the reason I want to go out, and not enable this helpless victim environment. That may be denial. Am I not ready to face this reality? That a woman who has been a beacon in my life could soon not be around anymore.

What's funny - not funny haha, but funny ironic - is that her entire life she has been a very devout Christian. She does her bible study every day, prays consistently, and up until she was unable, was at church 2-3 times a week. I remember her telling me my entire life that she was not afraid of dying, because she would be with Jesus, etc. But I can see the fear in her eyes, hear it in her voice. She knows. And she doesn't want to be alone, at all, ever. She has asked me about 4 times today if I am going to sleep in her room to make sure she can get up at night if she has to go to the bathroom. Even though she has been getting up on her own to do it, and I've seen her. I have been sleeping in the living room, a mere 25 feet from her bed, with no doors or obstacles to get through.

I love my uncle, too, and today is an important day for him and I feel like she may be asking me for too much when she knows I have been with her 24/7 for the last week, and will have to be in the days to come. Am I being selfish? Am I a terrible person, an awful granddaughter? I feel like I want to kick and scream, and I can't. Because she's scared enough already.

Johnny Cash RIP 1932 - 2003

2003-09-12T07:54:00.000-05:00

Gone to be with June, 1932 - 2003

WHAT DO WE DO WITHOUT YOU, JOHNNY CASH?

You too, John Ritter. RIP 1948 - 2003

2003-09-10T21:44:00.000-05:00

The dilly-o

Okay, here we go:

THE FIRST ANNUAL TENTATIVELY TITLED O TANENBAUM T-SHIRT TRADE

The T-shirt Trade (tentatively titled) will begin with YOU, dear reader/blogger, E-MAILING me with your information. This will include, but is not limited to,

NAME
MAILING ADDRESS
CITY / STATE / ZIP
T-SHIRT SIZE

This may also be a good time to send me your suggestions for a new name for this t-shirt trade.

You have until September 20th - that's 10 days from today - to E-MAIL me with your entry.

*I will not sell your information to any third party, however, I may use it to start stalking you. Enter at your own risk.

Now, what I will do from there is randomly select a Secret Pal for you. This means, I will e-mail you with your Secret Pal's mailing info and t-shirt size by September 30 and then it is up to you to

[1.] find a t-shirt that reflects where you live in the world. Say, for instance, I was sending someone something from Atlanta, I would probably send them a Yacht Club t-shirt, because it says "Atlanta, GA" on it and also because I spent the majority of my evenings there and more than a few afternoons, and I have mentioned it several times in my blog;
[B.] send your gift so that it reaches the Secret Pal some time during the month of December, or as I like to call it, December.
[3.] keep your Secret Pal a secret. If they found out, they'd no longer be secret, and then they'd just be your Pal.

Also, there will be no reciprocal Pals. To make it all the more exciting for you.

When you finally receive your t-shirt, you can announce to the world in your daily posts who sent you what and give shout outs, praise, a virtual bitch-slapping, or whatever.

Have I covered everything? E-MAIL ME if I haven't or if you have any questions.

Alright. Go, man, go.

ARE YOU READY FOR GIFTS?

2003-09-10T01:35:00.000-05:00

Holida-ay...Celebrate!

Folks, it's coming upon that time of year again. Yes, the dreaded holidays. I do realize it's September, but according to my mom's blue-haired neighbor, it's never to early to start Christmas. According to her, it's also never too early to start "hating and cursing the Jews for killing Jesus", but that's another story altogether. But, I digress. In this evening's chat with the brilliant Boz of Bozley fame, we decided that we would FINALLY do the t-shirt exchange and guess who's in charge? That's right. Good ol' reliable me. But this time I'll be around and have the time to put it all together. So get ready, kids. Let's put the fun and excitement back into the high holi-days. Get ready for the 1st official:

TENTATIVELY TITLED O TANENBAUM T-SHIRT TRADE!!

Details soon.

2003-09-10T01:07:00.000-05:00

2003-09-09T23:24:00.000-05:00

Can I Be a Cowgirl Now?

I'm back to being a Texan. And according to The Boyf™, I've already been a "reverse cowgirl," whatever that means.

LOOKIN' FOR LOVE
Johnny Lee

I spent a lifetime lookin for you
single bars and good time lovers were never true
playing a fools game, hopin to win
tellin those sweet lies and losin' again

I was lookin for love in all the wrong places lookin for love in too many places
searchin her eyes lookin for traces
of what I'm dreamin of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I'll bless the day I discover, you
lookin for love

I was alone then, no love in site
I did every thing I could to get me through the night
Don''t know where it started or where it might end
I'd turn to a stranger just like a friend

And you came on knocking on my front door
You’re ev’rything I’ve been looking for

(I was...)
... in all the wrong places
looking for love in too many faces
searching your eyes looking for traces
of the one I’m dreaming of
Hoping to find a friend and a lover
I bless the day I mdiscovered you
Another heart
looking for love

2003-09-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

My name is monogrammed on my underwear

If your name is ChezPink and you don't know about THESE yet, I am sorely disappointed.

Every girl needs these ...spread...

the word.

2003-09-06T20:56:00.000-05:00

You're With Stupid

If you don't have Kathleen Edwards first effort Failer, then you, my [ex] online friend, are laaaaaaaame.

Whether you own it or not, you still deserve an update on your MIATLSuperstar. And, for all practical purposes, I AM STILL the onceandfuture A.T.L. and not this O.K.L.A character, as Bozzie would have you believe.

When last I left you I was a Type 7, and believe I still am. I did make it out of the A-T-L alive, with some of my dignity intact, the smog-haze-skyline and all its broken promise in my rearview mirror, its objects, strangely enough, much smaller than they appeared. I don't miss it and I won't go back.

My route to Austin has been diverted, briefly, while I take on more than I can possibly handle by laying over in Oklahoma to take care of The Grandma™, who is back in the hospital and upon her return home will need a [responsible] adult to help her with her meds, maintenance, and overall meddling. In short, her diabetic state is keeping her from fully healing from her mastectomy, thus keeping her from chemotherapy and fully healing from her breast cancer. I think it best I be here for her 100%, all the time, until she is out of woods. Wish her well, please.

I missed you all. I hope you missed me, too.

P.S.

I had a dream last night that I was dating Geoffrey Rush. And now I'm all hot and bothered over freakin' Geoffrey Rush. Wow. Simply wow. My obsession with brilliant, odd-looking, much older men has hit a new high.

2003-07-22T21:17:00.000-05:00

The cheerleader as always

free enneagram test

Type Seven
The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

2003-07-22T15:45:00.000-05:00

Your roots are showing.

[Had a nice post going TWICE and something - DAMMIT SOMETHING - happened and now they are gone. See this is why I can't trust Blogger anymore and why I can't write.]

At any rate, an uneventful ride home. If you can call riding through the backwoods of Mississippi and Alabama with "Vasectomy Prevents Abortion" and "Noam Chomsky is my President" stickers on your car and getting evil Christian glances and the occassional finger uneventful. Still, the pooch and I made it home safe and sound, albeit tired, and I'll never drive over 15 miles at a time again.

All week I was busy and/or tired with no time for anything but work, life maintenance, or sleep, and today, for the first time I feel CAUGHT UP. Spent some quality ME time on Saturday, eating Sonny's BBQ and listening to Country Gold on the radio. Reminded me of the days when I could play with my cousins in the hot sun all day, and stay awake telling ghost stories all night, while listening to my mom and all her kin in the kitchen playing $2-ante poker or moon, the smell of cigarette smoke, Wild Turkey, and the hope for gas or beer money hanging thick in the air.

I did hear some discouraging news last night. My friends that have been dating for 7 months are MOVING IN TOGETHER when the lease is up. No names, just yet, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. Not that I'm not happy. It should be that way. Fall in love, move in, get married. Three of the 4 guys she's dated since her Big Split with the hub have really wanted to make that commmitment to her. Nevermind the fact that one was a former heroin junkie/current coke addict and one was a secret cutter. It's the thought that counts, people. I couldn't get That Man™ to marry me if I had a winning lottery ticket in one hand, a case of Bud in the other, 2 tickets to Vegas in my back pocket and a hot apple pie like mom used to make cooling in the window seal. Do I have to be Issue Girl to get what I want? I tried that and didn't like it. The Big Guy in the Sky is handing out happiness hand over fist to people who haven't really had to work all that hard to get it in the first place and I get jack. This marriage game, it's bullshit and I've got to figure out a way to get it off my mind.

And yer goddamn right if you think I'm bitter.

2003-07-22T15:40:00.000-05:00

blah.

2003-07-13T09:22:00.000-05:00

Living the dream

It's been a fun week here in Oklahoma. I've racked up on massive amounts of familial love and yard sale kitsch. Both equally important. I acquired a pre-WWII military issue gas mask bag, a haversack, some boots for The Status-Yet-To-Be-Determined Official Ex-Boyfriend of the 2003-2004 Blogging Season™, a t-shirt that says HAAS TOOLS AMERICAN MADE, a Pig Out Palace Coffee Mug, a tile picture of a bullfighter, and a bear with a Texas flag t-shirt, and a Platinum Visa, courtesy of Mom. Among other things.

Also, in making the rounds last night with Mom and her friend Susan, I sang a few songs at karaoke and apparently sang them so well the owner of Marvin's Place, Marvin, hooked me up with a free Marvin's Place t-shirt. "Fer sanging so good," he said. Had a free breakfast at the Pig Out Palace as well.

I was a little stressed out. Seeing my Grandma who has taken care of me and so many others her entire life be limited in what she can do is pretty rough. Seeing her cry about it was worse. I realized that being sick, with cancer or whatever, is not the really hard part for her. The hard part is losing her ability to take care of herself and everyone around her.

She'll be alright. We're assembling a team at M.D. Anderson in Houston, the BEST specialists probably in the world, and it won't be too long before she's picking up the babies, going back to church, and cooking up a storm.

Anyway, I hit the road today for the grueling trek back to the homeland, ATL. I'll go now and catch you all up later on the [hopefully] uneventful ride home. Wish me luck.

Cheers...

2003-07-11T22:28:00.000-05:00

Shit ever'where

I've had a shit day. Shit shit shit.

Again, for those who missed this little tidbit many moons ago, REALIZATION IS A MOTHERFUCKER. I'm so done with everything.

I'm so done with you. YES YOU.

2003-07-10T21:05:00.000-05:00

Shake Your Money Maker

I'm tired. Of everyone in my family.

Anyway, I was going to post about Boz's Weight Loss Challenge. I am in for a 20 lbs. weight loss. I don't really care about losing weight, I don't think. Maybe once I really start doing it, I will. I do care, however, about changing how my body looks. You know, toning up, building muscle, losing fat, etc. etc. I was in Wal-Mart [yet again] the day before yesterday and I found a cute little skirt [Sorry, Cheeks, not tartan]. Anyway, I just grabbed my regular size, paid for it, and went home. Only to find out: IT WAS TOO BIG!!!! I went back to get the next smaller size. Guess what??? Still too big! But, the next smaller size was a little snug, so I figured I'd stick with the middle size and take it in later if need be. And the need will be.

So based on the TOTALLY INSANE method of sizing women's clothing, which just HAD to have been created by a man, I have lost about 1 1/2 (or 3 if you are a logical person) waist sizes! WOOHOOOOOOO! Did that make no sense? It made sense to me. I need my Ritalin. Or yours, if you're passing it out.

Anyway, I accept the Weight Loss Challenge and expect to look like a darker, more alive Marilyn Monroe by Labor Day.

Cheers...

2003-07-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

Big Brother is Watching

My next goal, after Pig Out Palace, is to become a contestant on Big Brother 5. Anyone out there work for CBS? Can I get an edge? Can you give a 'Skin a break? After you stole all the land from my people, all I want is some face time.

How can anyone say no to this sweet, bighead-supported, lazy-eyed, face?

2003-07-08T22:00:00.000-05:00

Freaking out

What's creepy about this is that it's the day after my 49th birthday and my most ultimate horrifying recurring nightmare is being shot to death. I'll go cry now.

2003-07-08T20:16:00.000-05:00

Search ME

It's true, people. If you search on Yahoo for "atl street black girl porn" this blog -- seriously -- MY BLOG shows up.

I'm so diverse, it hurts.

2003-07-07T12:34:00.000-05:00

THAT'S [NOT] INCREDIBLE!

Alright, my incredible news is really not that incredible. And it does not include the words "pig", "out", or "palace" anywhere within it.

Okay, so a few weeks ago I was out to see the wonderful Pernice Brothers at The EARL. It was a sort of last minute decision, as excursions outside of my neighborhood and the Yacht Club have been pretty doggone limited as of late. B, The Roomie said it would be fun and I concurred. Oh what a crazy night it turned out to be.

Mitch [The Roomie's boyfriend] had to run to the ATM, so B the Roomie, and I decide to wander in and settle ourselves at the bar. Now, the EARL is not just any bar. It's a bar with a short by unrefined history. It's a bar we used to spend about 6-7 nights a week at, drinking like fish, making friends and enemies, and building up our bad and/or good reputations, depending on which side of the glass you were on. It's a bar that has caused me more good times and torment than any outside the Yacht. It's a bar that was so bad it was good and vice versa and that I have made a conscious effort to stay the hell away from. But, alas, the Pernice Brothers had called me back.

So we sit ourselves at the bar and take a look around at the ultra-emo-hipsters, a veritable sea of hornrimmed glasses and Chuck T's, and order our drinks.

Gee, B The Roomie says, we just don't know anybody here anymore do we?

And here's where the comedy begins.

The second she says that, from the back tomb walks in The Official Ex-Boyfriend of the 2003-2004 Blogging Season™ and his partner in crime and uncomfortable situations. I waved, he waved, I turned around quickly and tell B Yuh-heah, nobody. We share a slightly uncomfortable giggle and her sympathetic eyes make me choke on my Hoegaarden.

Well, it doesn't end there. Soon thereafter, in a place we just don't know anybody anymore, in walks B's EX-HUSBAND with his psycho girlfriend / dead weight. THEN... oh god, then in walks B's Divorce Rebound, and the epicenter of the tumultuous year after her separation from The Husband.

Is any of this clear? It was a night for ex's. I was seriously waiting for the guy who took me to my high school prom to walk in.

At any rate, The Ex-Boyfriend™ and I were finally able to talk like real people instead of rabid screaming monkeys and it seems we may, might, could be possibly headed down a road to some type of recovery.

And I'm still not sure what that means.

So folks, that's my not-so-incredible news. John Davidson, Cathy Lee Crosby, and Fran Tarkenton had no part in this blog. But I had to keep you coming back, now didn't I?

2003-07-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

Ya gotta have goals. Do you have any goals?

Indeed I do. Some time in the next 8 days, while I'm visiting the kin in the 918, my goal, my most ultimate goal:

To visit PIG OUT PALACE.

Folks, for my dining experience, it does NOT get any better than that. For reals.

Love you, peeps.

2003-07-05T18:34:00.000-05:00

Crunk for Christ

No kidding. I've found Jeebus. I'm through with this Satanic Internet. No, not really, but there's this church by the YMCA I work at and seriously... that was on their marquee. I work in the guh-het-to.

Alright, I know it's been like a month and people are taking me off of their Must Read lists faster than a Phil Donahue column. Surprisingly, though, The People™ aren't staying away in droves like I thought they would be. I even have NEW visitors.

I have been busy like a bee and have had a streak of bad luck that's lasted longer than Lisa Marie Presley's singing career. I won't concern you with that now, however. I do want to tell you about my road trip from Atlanta to Oklahoma. It has been wrought with damaged vehicles and discombobulation.

I leave Atlanta, dog in tow, on the most patriotic of holidays, with thoughts of the open road and freedom somewhere in the back of my mind, and a sparkle in my staring-at-the-horizon eyes. Things are good, Lynyrd Skynyrd seems to be everywhere, and I and the world have yet to hear of the death of Barry White. Somewhere between Birmingham and Memphis MY FREAKING FRONT TIRE BLOWS OUT FROM UNDER ME. Great. A little setback. Nothing open on this 4th of July, but finally make it to a Wal-Mart on a spare and spend like 3 hours waiting to get it fixed, etc. GREAT. I'm off my time clock now by a few hours, but driving at night, cool wind coming through the sunroof, can't be THAT BAD.

Dusk.

Nearing Memphis. The BATTERY LIGHT comes on. Yet another Wal-Mart and the distressing news about a going going alternator. On no money, and only Mom's grace, I checked into the Comfort Inn to await the sweet, sweet 5th of July, when the country's blue collar work force returns. Two hundred thirty five dollars later, a new alternator, a new day, and 8 more hours on the road.

I finally made it. I'm dead to the world. But I miss you, dear Internet. And I knew you'd be waiting when I came back.

People, I've got some INCREDIBLE NEWS for you, but it'll have to wait until later.

Must. Rest. Now.

2003-06-14T14:47:00.000-05:00

Back in black

My grandmother had surgery last Friday to remove her tumors. She had a lumpectomy (which seriously sounds like some "doctor" is just making up procedures by putting "-ectomy" on the end. I like the sound of puppyectomy, but I don't know what that procedure would entail...anyway...), and she had a partial mastectomy. She also had all of her lymph nodes removed and they found out that she still needs more surgery. She'll be back under the knife next Tuesday to get the rest and then they decide if it's chemo or radiation therapy. However, she is in great spirits and feels fine, doing her usual summer yard sale-ing, etc. My mother is there with her now and I am going the first week in July. Please be thinking about her and send some good thoughts. Thanks.

On another note, I have now been at the YMCA for 3 weeks which is why I haven't had a minute to blog. I also started doing some fundraising for The Atlanta Opera, but it sucked because I was getting up at like 5 AM to go work out, getting to the Y at 7 AM and then at the AO from 5-9 and seriously 15 hour days are NOT FUN. At all. So I quit with the opera shit and now it's back to just 10 hour days with the bad ass kids. For real, they call themselves the 8-10 boys RUFF RYDERS. Hilarity.

I have nothing else to really say as I am super-duper hungover from a night at the Yacht.

I'm sorry I've been gone, I miss you all very much and I will return in grand form in the next few days. Thanks for thinking of me.

2003-05-31T18:39:00.000-05:00

Beer Mitzvah

IF YOU ARE READING THIS AND YOU LIVE IN THE METRO ATLANTA AREA AND ARE DOING NOTHING TONIGHT AND HAVE SOME CASH BURNING A HOLE IN YOUR POCKET, TAKE ME, ATLSUPERSTAR, OUT FOR A PAULANER OR TWO AT MY FAVORITE DIVE THE EUCLID AVENUE YACHT CLUB.

Also known as simply The Yacht for people like me with their name on a bar stool.

Just a suggestion. And a cry for help.

2003-05-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

A Shout Out

Thanks to Paul for being the FIRST to donate to my Help ATLSuperstar Become TEXSuperstar fund. MAD PROPS!

Also, here's a little idea I've been tossing around in my head. Stop me if you've heard it or thought of it already:

Instead of simply Guest Blogging on other people's sites, I suggest a little twist on that idea. How about if we Ghost Blog and write an entry as that actual blogger, in their style, using their lives and previous entries as guidelines. For example:

The part of Shanti will be blogged today by ATLSuperstar.

Then of course I'd proceed to write something angst-y, aggro, and totally hilarious and insightful. In the style of our Teen Queen Shanti.

COMMENTS, PLEASE.

Regards...

2003-05-31T15:25:00.000-05:00

I've been around

I've been gone for like a week. And NOBODY noticed. Nice.

At any rate, I'll be leaving for a little while to go stay with my grandmother in the tiny town of Okemah, OK. She'll be having surgery next Friday to remove cancerous lumps from her breast and I just don't think I could handle being anywhere else but with her on that day.

2003-05-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

Thanks Cheeks

"In his earlier years Cheeta had a penchant for beer and cigars, reportedly drinking several cold ones a day. Westfall and Karajerjian said booze and smoke have not been a part of the old chimp's life since he came into their care ten years ago."

That's my kind of ape.

2003-05-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

Still taking donations

Help ATLSuperstar become TEXSuperstar... Donate Today!!!

2003-05-24T14:54:00.000-05:00

My sentiments exactly

2003-05-23T18:47:00.000-05:00

I could use a date.

2003-05-23T16:32:00.000-05:00

Kicked in the gut, pt I

At least, feeling that way. I started taking fitness sessions at the YMCA I'm working at and my first one was BUTTS 'N GUTS, working nothing but abs and gluts and I can barely stand up straight and now I have to use two arms to just get up off the couch because I am in such fucking pain. Fitness is NOT FUN, no matter what Denise Austin would have you believe.

Kicked in the gut, pt deux

Heard from HIM, The Ex™, The One, and can't say it made me feel any better about the situation. In fact, it made me feel much, much worse. For one, it renewed angry feelings I'm trying to get rid of. Two, for the first time since The End I really sat down and fucking cried like a child. Three, being reminded of loving him reminded me of a line of one poem by Judith Viorst that goes "It is true love because.../When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or lying dead in the middle of the street,/ I always hope he's dead." A little morbid, but when given the option...I am also reminded of Octavio Paz and Li-Young Lee (and if you haven't read that, it'll rip your soul from your chest) and Steve Earle and for god's sake even King Crimson, all in an unfortunate and overwhelming KABOOM.

And four, hearing from him made me realize I can suckerpunch, too.

2003-05-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Snuff

Someone found me at Google by searching "Violent Blow Jobs". It's all down hill from here, folks.

2003-05-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

An open letter

Dear The World:

Just because you very often, almost daily, have the chance to sucker punch me does not mean you have to take it. Please reconsider your epiphany-rousing tactics.

Thank you,

ATL

2003-05-19T18:53:00.000-05:00

SURPRISE!

Googled by "friends" and all your secrets revealed. Good thing I don't have that many secrets, eh?

2003-05-19T16:25:00.000-05:00

I'm a criminal

I seriously just sold Hustler and Penthouse to this kid wearing his private school's t-shirt. I'm so dirty. Hell, he could have been a Senior, and maybe possibly 18. He probably wasn't, but whatever. He was a cool kid. I feel okay about it. It wasn't like I was selling him cigarettes, beer, or prostitutes.

At any rate, enabling aside, I need to raise some money and trip the light fantastic and get the hell outta this here Atlanta. I figured here's what it'll cost me to get out of my lease and move to Austin:

Loss of security deposit: $300
Payout of forfeited months: $450
Deposits for new place: $300
Rent for new place: $500
U-Haul rental: $130

Total moving cost: $1680

And I'm quite sure I haven't thought these costs through enough to catch some other expenses, but it'll be a minimum of $1680. I barely make that in 2 months of working.

Now you're sitting there thinking to yourself "That poor little Indian girl has to save up $1680 in 2 1/2 months? How ever will she do that? And how can I help?" Well I'm glad you asked. You can donate to the Help ATLSuperstar become TEXSuperstar Moving Fund (sorry, I haven't had time to come up with a clever title yet) through our friends at PayPal.

You know, if I was smarter and knew was gonna beg people for money I would have really kept the story about selling the high school kid soft porn my own dirty little secret. But if nobody has said or done anything about the noticable Cheeks / Shanti age disparity then I really have nothing to worry about. Maybe I'll use part of my donation fund for some counseling.

DONATE TODAY!!!

2003-05-19T15:47:00.000-05:00

The hits, they keep a-comin'

The dream is over:

Elvis Costello is marrying Diana Krall, and not me.

Well, I hope you're happy now.

2003-05-18T12:00:00.000-05:00

A comment about Boz's comments on your comments about the movies he rented this weekend

The Missing HD Landfill and I decided a while back that there was some sort of formulaic approach to refunding the 2 +/- hours zapped away by lame movies in a dollar amount. It went a little something like this:

**Your Time = $$$**

	Height	x	Weight	x	Human Value	x	Week Day Value	x	Q Score	-	Movie Choice	/	Age	=	Refund
Males	Hm		Wm		Vh		Vwd		Q		mC		a		R
Females	Hf		Wf		Vh		Vwd		Q		mC		a		R

FORMULA FOR FIGURING YOUR WEIGHT(W):

Get on a scale, smart guy.

FORMULA FOR FIGURING YOUR HEIGHT (H):

Invest in a tape measure.

FIGURING YOUR HUMAN VALUE (Vh):

Job Value (Vj) x Time spent doing good for others (Tg) - Time spent at the bar (Tb)
____________________________________

Number of friends, family, etc. your time is divided between (Tf)

or

(Vj) x (Tg) - (Tb)
_____________

(Tf)

FIGURING WEEK DAY VALUE:

*Week Day Value*

	Prime Socializing Hours	Work Hours		Must See TV
Monday	-3	-15	n/a
Tuesday	10	5	n/a
Wednesday	25	5	n/a
Thursday	50	5	150
Friday	100	25	n/a
Saturday	100	50	n/a
Sunday	100	50	n/a

YOUR Q-SCORE:

Can be figured HERE.

YOUR MOVIE CHOICE:

Any movie starring Charlie Sheen (with the exception of Major League), Ryan Phillippe, Prince, pop singers, or the Olsen Twins are an automatic -1000.

Every other movie is worth 250.

FIGURING YOUR AGE

Check any state or government issued identification card.

Once you've gotten your dollar amount, you can then write the actors, writers, directors, movie studio, distributor, and video retailer and request they first apologize to you and then send you your money. Their percentage of responsibility breaks down like this:

Blame everyone but yourself, because you fell victim to false and misleading claims of entertainment.

2003-05-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

Days gone by

Oh, Avalon, where are you now that I need you in my life?

2003-05-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

Lovers in a Dangerous Time

Don't the hours grow shorter as the days go by
You never get to stop and open your eyes
One day you're waiting for the sky to fall
The next you're dazzled by the beauty of it all
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

These fragile bodies of touch and taste
This vibrant skin -- this hair like lace
Spirits open to the thrust of grace
Never a breath you can afford to waste
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Sometimes you're made to feel as if your love's a crime --
But nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight --
Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight
When you're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time
And we're lovers in a dangerous time
Lovers in a dangerous time

Thanks, Bruce Cockburn

2003-05-17T18:16:00.000-05:00

5000 Voyeurs

I'm nearing the 5000 mark on my hit-o-meter. Who's it gonna be? WHOOOOOOOOO????

Hey, by the way, I know there are some people who read and comment on my blog and I don't have you on The List over to the left there. Please let me know and I will update.

About to head out to a little b-b-q get-together and be sociable for once. Cheers.

2003-05-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

That wacky Google

I love the fact that someone googled "I'm only 6 foot tall but I'm righteous y'all" and MY SITE came up #1.

2003-05-16T13:14:00.000-05:00

Can't hardly wait

Things are beginning to feel very FINAL around here. Today is my last day at the swirling, sucking vortex of bad management and lackluster programming here at the Atlanta History Center. However, the exhibits are FANTASTIC, so don't let my disenchantment with the staff sway you from visiting. Just don't try to speak reasonably with anyone who works here.

And I've finally told my mom I'm moving back to Texas. She is SO all for it. So, it's done. My decision is made. I'm definitely going to Austin at the end of August and I JUST CAN'T WAIT. For the second time in my life, I start over. I haven't told Hotdamn yet and I suspect it will be the hardest part about leaving here, but it's something that must be done.

I begin again, again.

2003-05-16T10:38:00.000-05:00

Because I know you do read this

Hard-Core Troubadour

Girl, don't bother to lock your door
He's out there hollering, "Darlin' don't you love me no more?"
You always let him in before now didn't you
He's just singing the some old song
That he always sang before
He's the last of the hard-core troubadours
Girl, better figure out which is which
Wherefore art thou Goldman you son of a bitch
You'd just as soon fight as switch now wouldn't you
He's come to make love on your satin sheets
Wake up on your living room floor
He's the last of the hard-core troubadours
He's the lost of the all-night, do right
Stand beneath your window 'til daylight
He's the last of the hard-core troubadours
Baby, whet you waitin' for

Girl, figure out what you're gonna do
When he moves on again and he leaves you alone and blue
But you knew he is just passin' through now didn't you
And now you can't just say this is the last time baby
Like you always did before
He's the last of the hard-core troubadours

2003-05-14T13:34:00.000-05:00

Metajoke of the day:

(For all of you metageeks on Team Leyner or, like me, staunchly against Team Leyner, who know you are either on or staunchly against Team Leyner...this is also allegedly "scientific" "humor" for you math & science types who know you are math & science types and immediately recognize the irony of the joke you already know you are in. Got it?)

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.

2003-05-13T12:39:00.000-05:00

Southern Gothic

Freaky things happen on hot Georgia nights, after a few cold beers and highballs...

Meet My Thumb

Miss Budgie and Me...love (or at least my twisted version of it) hangs heavy in the humid air...

2003-05-12T18:57:00.000-05:00

Men are from Mars...yada fucking yada

Don't tell me my life has become a schlocky self-help book. Seriously. Every single title over there is like calling my name. I'll let you know if I start taping Oprah and Dr. Phil.

God. Why?

2003-05-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

THIS is the most intriguing blog I've read in awhile, hoax or no.

2003-05-09T18:39:00.000-05:00

For most of the day, I'm fine. Really.

And then I think about The (ex)Boyfriend™ and I get a little sick feeling in my tummy like on a roller coaster incline in the split-second right before you see the actual plunge and the thought that you might actually die from this ride flashes in your head.

2003-05-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

I'm too tired to write today. And I have a headache. Thanks to the 4AM lurker outside my bedroom window last night that made my dog bark and howl madly for 20 minutes and subsequently caused me to stay awake for 3 hours. A mere 30 minutes before my alarm rang. Thanks. Thanks a lot you indigent fuck.

2003-05-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

Making moves

Big things are happening in the land of ATL. Some recent developments:

1. The Boyfriend™ dumped me. Okay, fine. I hate it. I feel like I can't think straight, but I have no choice in that matter. All I can do is figure out a way to pick up and move on.
2. I quit my job at the History Center.
3. I gained a summer job with they YMCA.
4. I have decided that my "friends" (excluding Hotdamn), and one in particular (the roommate), are unfortunately not worth any more trouble. I don't have it like Kevynn Malone and his love-fest©.
5. I can take no more of this city I've called home since 1999.

And, so, taking into account all of the above I have decided that this city just can't contain me much longer. After the summer, I will be moving to the great city of Austin, back to my home state of Texas, entering St. Edward's Univeristy and living like a fucking lunatic. I'm sending out resumes in the next few days and I've already found an apartment.

Damn. Things can change in the blink of an eye.

Fret not, dear readers. I will forever be your ATLSuperstar.

2003-05-07T10:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Shanti,

Enid and Rebecca came by
to fuck you
but you were not here.
Therefore
you must be gay.

HAPPY BIRTYDAY ANYWAY.

Cheers and good luck on that driving test,

ATL

2003-05-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd spruce up the ol' place a bit. I added a cherry graphic on the left there. Enjoy.

XOXO...

2003-05-05T18:32:00.000-05:00

File this one under Fraudulent Claims

2003-05-05T18:12:00.000-05:00

The Word Nerds would hate me

A Scrabble™ game gone horribly, horribly awry

2003-05-05T14:51:00.000-05:00

A coupla things

1. I'm no linguistics expert, but I do know this for sure -

The word AUTHOR (this is primarily for people in the South) is spelled like this:

A - U - T - H - O - R

It's syllables are divided like this:

AU - THOR

It is pronounced like this:

AW - THOR

If you'll notice in the spelling, the only "r" comes at the very, very end of the word, and it is pronounced (as in "er"). In the first syllable of this word, there are two and only two letters. These letters are an "a" and a "u", but, obviously, no "r", hence, no "r" sound within the first syllable. IT IS NOT PRONOUNCED "AR - THER". "Arthur" is a man's name, and also a movie starring Dudley Moore. An "author" is a noun (and also a transitive verb, but we'll stick with day-one stuff for now), a person, probably much smarter than yourself, who creates literary works, also known as books, etc.

Try saying this phrase several times properly and see if you get the difference - "ARthur is the AUthor of several books." Keep practicing. In no time at all, you'll sound like someone with at least a 3rd grade education.

2. Questions such as "Do you have any ________________ books in the back?" will always be answered with a firm "No," followed by a swiftly and powerfully administered cockpunch. That goes for ladies, too. The magical, mystical back room has nothing in it but a broken coffee machine, a microwave oven from 1985, a mini-fridge with someone's month-old Taco Bell burrito, a bathroom, and stacks and stacks of papers that we can neither throw away or use. We are not trying to hide your Garfield cartoons, or hoard the new Libertarian rant, nor are we trying to befuddle your high school career by stowing away the Cliff's notes for Macbeth. Please, do not ask.

Thank you for reading.

2003-05-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I'm out

I just turned in my resignation here at the Atlanta History Center. In 2 weeks, I'm out of this quagmire.

2003-05-04T12:59:00.000-05:00

Someone turned the lights out down in Atlanta

I've decided I need a brief change of scenery. I'm going to pick a weekend and get the hell out of Atlanta. Any suggestions?

2003-05-03T15:03:00.000-05:00

Say you, say me

You know things can only get better when you get e-mails that start out "last night I was drinking". Thanks, Mo.

All of you are too kind to me.

AND SO IS THE YMCA! I have been asked to be a Lead Counselor for their Leaders in Training summer camp program! Exciting, eh? Oh, ya gotta love the kids. And who the hell knew I was a leader?

My Mom™, who just got back from a cruise to Mexico, said this to me: "There was all the food you could possibly eat, non-stop liquor, and parties around the clock. You girls would have loved it." She was, of course, referrring to me and my sister. Boy, does she know me. And how.

I'm now rallying for the spot of Angel of the Month for May. I am Entry #7 and if you are a Boz Packer or a lurker, then make it known to Bozley that you want me for May Angel.

2003-05-02T18:52:00.000-05:00

I mean, really

Happy Deathday!
Your name:	ATLSuperstar
You will die on:	Monday, August 19, 2024
You will die of:	Drive-By Shooting
Username:

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